Embracing the Marginalized – The story of Tamar

August 26th, 2010 by Jasmine Obeyesekere Fernando

What would you do if you had an embarrassing family secret? I suspect that most of us would not be eager to draw attention to the embarrassing situation. As far as it depended on us, we would make sure to keep the secret buried.

A friend once told me of a well-to-do young Sri Lankan couple intent on climbing the social ladder. They were educated in posh schools and had a circle of classy friends. The girl’s parents were simple folk, comfortable in speaking Sinhala. The old couple lived with their children. However, when the young couple entertained at home, the elderly parents were requested to stay out of sight in a back room. The adult children were ashamed of their parents lack of sophistication and inability to converse in good English and did not want to feel embarrassed in front of their friends.

Like my friend and I, you probably felt contempt towards the young couple. We would never treat someone so badly. Or would we…? Social pressure to conform to cultural expectations is a very powerful thing.

I am drawn to the poignant story of Tamar the daughter of King David. Her story is recorded in the first half of 2 Sam 13. Tamar was a beautiful young girl raped by her half brother Amnon, the king’s firstborn. She is sent to Amnon’s house by David who is taken in by Amnon’s elaborate charade that he is ill and would be cheered up by her visit and a special meal. When Amnon dismisses his household, grabs her and asks her for consensual sex, Tamar refuses and says that it would be a vile thing. She points out that it would be shameful for her and that he would be considered a scoundrel. She pleads with him to speak to the king about it, so that if Amnon really desired her, the union could take place after the proprieties had been observed. Amnon does not listen and being physically stronger than she, forces Tamar, hitherto a virgin, to have sex with him. Predictably, once the act is over, Amnon feels a great loathing for Tamar and has her thrown out of his house. In vain does Tamar try to tell him that sending her away is worse than the rape. Having satiated himself, Amnon does not care that Tamar will pay the consequences of his actions. Tamar is now no longer marriageable. Her lack of culpability is irrelevant.

In this episode, David does not shine as a wise and fair father. Although angry with Amnon for raping Tamar, he does not punish him because he loves him. This weak-willed decision contributes to Amnon’s violent death as Absalom, Tamar’s full brother, nurses his anger and bides his time until an opportune time comes along to get rid of Amnon. In the broader scheme of things, Tamar’s rape, Amnon’s murder and other calamities that occur in David’s family are connected to God’s judgment on King David for sleeping with Bathsheba, Uriah’s wife and for arranging the death of Uriah when his plans to cover up the resultant pregnancy failed.

While Absalom’s fury at Amnon for disgracing his sister is understandable, it is obviously wrong that he takes matters into his own hands and has Amnon killed. However, I do admire Absalom for taking in Tamar to his house and caring for her. He does this even before David gets to hear what had happened. Whereas for most pretty young girls the hoped for future would be marriage and a family of their own, Tamar’s rape guaranteed that she would remain “ a desolate woman” in her brother Absalom’s house. Tamar was fortunate that she had a brother who felt responsible for her and made provision for her. Even though her hopes were dashed, she was loved and secure. She was not abandoned to fend for herself.

What fascinates me is that Absalom takes Tamar under his wing, not caring a whit about what other people might think. He doesn’t feel that he needs to hide away their embarrassing family secret. This is a refreshingly different attitude from what people have felt relatively recently and do so even today.

Austen fans will remember the anxiety Elizabeth the heroine of Pride and Prejudice undergoes when her sister Lydia runs away with Wickham. Unless there is a wedding and no whiff of scandal Lydia will be ruined and her family disgraced. Colonel Brandon of Sense and Sensibility has a young ward who could not enter polite society because of her parentage. She is seduced and abandoned by Willoughby. Fortunately for her, she is continued to be taken care of by Colonel Brandon. Even so, he never really discusses her until circumstances make it advisable to do so. She is cared for but from a distance. Its like she is invisible. It’s the kind and heroic thing to do to treat her well, but it must be done in private and out of sight. She can never be included in respectable company. Those are the stringent rules of society that must be adhered to. Austen’s novels are of course, reflections of ordinary genteel life of her day.

I think of parents getting upset when their grown children want to marry partners whom the parents consider unsuitable to join their family. Often their sense of shame is heightened by what their relations will think. It wasn’t so long ago that some families disowned their children for their choice of marriage partner.

Lucky Tamar. She wasn’t hidden away out in the country somewhere to be visited occasionally. Although she would not find a husband and have a family, she was affirmed, loved and honoured in her brother’s house. Not only was Tamar kept in the bosom of her family, when Absalom had a baby daughter, he named her after his sister. Little Tamar it is recorded, grew up to be a beautiful young woman too.

If you were ashamed of someone, would you name your daughter after her? Even if you were not ashamed of them really, but just embarrassed about something bad that had happened to them, would you deliberately cause everyone else that you knew to remember half-forgotten tragedies of the past? Imagine the wagging tongues.. ..The daughter’s name is Tamar? Of all things! Wasn’t that the name of the sister too, you know the girl who got raped..of course we don’t know what really happened…..

So what’s the big deal about naming the child after the aunt? Well, I imagine that Tamar would have felt wonderfully affirmed. The odd person at family gatherings, the object of pity and curiosity is shown in a real and tangible way that she is still important and of value. She is regarded so highly that out of all possible names that Absalom could have chosen, her name must be picked. It gives some dignity back to her. It is a reminder that her intrinsic worth has not diminished despite other painful & deep losses. Despite his many faults, Absalom treats his sister with a lot of compassion. And it signals to everyone else, that while her life has been irrevocably changed, that she is still esteemed in the same way by her closest relative who isn’t uncomfortable about having her in the bosom of his family.

This is very different from the attitude towards widows for instance, in many traditional societies. Widows are social pariahs and people feel that their presence at joyous occasions like weddings will bring bad luck to the newlyweds.

Tamar is not put away because her presence is inconvenient and mortifying. Nor is she even kept simply because of a sense of duty towards her. She is kept as an integral part of Absalom’s family due all the privileges and esteem of a beloved sister.

To what extent if any are we willing to embrace invisible people whom our circle/ society prefers to ignore/ forget? And if we do interact with the rejects of society, do we only do so in private or are we comfortable being identified with them in public, not minding the displeasure or discomfort of people that are significant to us?

Often we are inhibited from doing the right and loving thing because we fear the response of others. When we take the side of a shunned person or a marginalized group, there will be people who get uncomfortable or angry because we draw attention to inconvenient truths. Let’s not be paralyzed into inaction for fear of upsetting the status quo. Let’s care instead about what God thinks of us. People’s frustration with us pales into insignificance compared to God’s disappointment with us, doesn’t it?

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