Others better than I?

May 9th, 2010 by Jasmine Obeyesekere Fernando

I have never ceased to marvel at  a few simple words in Philippians, “ in humility consider others better than yourselves”.  Is this really possible? If you are like me, I suspect that you feel that your attitudes, perspective on issues or way of doing things is normal and right.  Even if we might not think that our personal ideas are better than everyone else’s,  often this is true with regard to the social groups we belong to.  “The way my family has always done things is the best way, My community’s contempt of and hostility towards another group of people is mostly deserved, the reasoning  of my social class is the  most obvious and logical”. A lot of how I parent my 4 1/2 year old girl and 1 1/2 year old boy in upstate New York today  is how my mom parented my brother and I a generation ago in Sri Lanka; choosing to be a stay-at-home-mom, ensuring that the kids’ meals were wholesome and on time,  enforcing an early bedtime,  being the first person to teach the kids reading, writing & ‘rithmetic, teaching the baby how to play, keeping a tidy house (which she did far better than I!), teaching correct vocabulary rather than indulging in baby language, doing family prayers, having the children sleep with the parents at night and even rubbing them down with Johnson’s lotion!  From time to time, I can’t help feeling how my ways of doing things are ‘better’ than someone else’s.    I’ve no doubt that friends feel that way about me too, sometimes.

Even in (especially in?) communities of believers, how often do we actually listen to and take note of voices that are truly different from our own? Sometimes we can prematurely pat ourselves on the back thinking that our ministry or church reflects the wide range of differences that God created, as men & women, urban types & rural folk, those that are at home speaking English & those that are not are all involved in its mission. Yet these differences can sometimes be just absorbed  into the dominant culture of “how we do things around here”.  We might have the trappings of the variety of  Christ’s body, but in truth be resistant to expressions of any real difference that make the majority uncomfortable. Or at best give a hearing, but let what comes in through one ear, go out of the other.

Consider  the circumstances of Paul’s appeal to the congregation at Philippi to “do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than (themselves).”  The multiple injunctions to be in agreement indicate that the church either was lacking in unity or needed to consider oneness of mind important enough to work hard at guarding. The church is encouraged to be of one mind in relation to God’s purposes, that there would not be a conflict of priorities within the church. This unity also extends to growth of character which would enable them to show a deep love to one another.

The Philippian church probably did not lack good ideas of doing ministry. Rather the congregation  was unwilling  to consider the ideas of one another, preferring to assume that their own idea was better than anyone else’s. In other words, members of the congregation were dismissive of different perspectives, impatient to give others a hearing and eager to impose their own preferences on everyone else. Imagine a scene where everyone is quick to speak and slow to listen, perhaps with a show of politeness but blanking out while others speak, waiting to jump in and expound their views  the minute they  get a chance. Is this also how groups of believers arrive at decisions today?

We are not to engage in ministry with a desire to further our own causes, to be in the limelight or with  pride in our competence or with complacency.  When we are turned in on ourselves, It is difficult to pay attention to others.   If we are to take seriously the command to regard others as better than ourselves, we need to begin by paying them attention.  How do we pay attention to others? We listen. We initiate conversations and  ask questions. We ditch assumptions and  seek opinion.  We invite people to share their different experiences.  We become willing to be made uncomfortable, trying to understand.   In the believing  community, as Paul spells out further, we are called to look after one another’s  interests not merely our own. This means thinking about how practicing the Christian faith would look like for someone else, especially when they are different from us in language, culture, class, economic background , nationality, season of life etc.   If we are in leadership of a church, organization or small group that reflects this diversity , we must put ourselves in the shoes of those we lead. We need to explore with them how their discipleship would look, considering in which instances it would mirror  our own walk, and figuring out with them, in which areas it could be practiced differently from  what we and  those like us are used to doing.

How would such a transformed attitude be translated into practice? In the practice of the Genesis ideal of marriage where we are exhorted to leave, cleave & be one flesh with our spouse, the Church in more traditional societies of the world can learn from their brethren in the West.  It is quite common in Sri Lankan society for family elders to arrange a marriage between a man and a  woman including the financial transactions/dowry (i.e the assets that the bride would bring in to her husband’s family).  It is also not uncommon sometimes, for the man’s family to initially agree to the ‘terms’ of the marriage, have the wedding, encourage the birth of the first child and then express dissatisfaction with the financial arrangements. One can imagine the tension this kind of situation brings! It is only in recent years that Christians from traditional cultures are learning to emotionally separate from their families of origin and see their husband/wife as the object of their first loyalty.  Christians from such backgrounds need to emulate their brethren in the West and pursue oneness in marriage, without excessive interference from outside influences including their families.   Families need to learn that their role is to support rather than control the new couple.

On the other hand, we may differ from our Western brothers in how we choose to give.  The New Testament exhorts us to give regularly, generously & in a planned fashion.  In the cultural context of North America, many would expect the full  tithe to be brought into the local church & gifts to other Christian ministries would not be considered part of the tithe.  Christians living in the West but who have roots in the developing world might prefer to bring in part of their tithe to their local church and send a significant portion of their tithes to churches and ministries in their home countries where they have been nurtured spiritually for many years and where there is a greater need for funds. In this context, the Western church which has not had poverty in its face as much as the church in poorer parts of the world needs to learn from  their brethren from the East, that how one sets aside one’s tithe is not written in stone.

While we might be willing to learn from others in areas where we acknowledge we are weak, sometimes we are resistant to learn from others in areas that are our strengths. For instance, when we hear reports of some Missions trips, we hear stories along the lines of how the people being ministered to were hospitable, zealous for God, prayerful and lived sacrificially. There are fewer stories of how the missions team learnt in areas of doctrine, Bible study methods,  strategies  for reaching the unreached or new discipleship tools . Those of us that teach can be unwilling to be taught by others, especially in the areas of our expertise. Those of us that are the listeners and encouragers of others might find it hard to go to others for help and advice. Both at the individual and collective levels, we all need to work on viewing other Christians on level ground.

How do we begin to consider others better than ourselves? Paul goes on to say in Philippians that their/our  attitude should be like that of Christ. Jesus did not cling to his status of being equal with God, but  voluntarily relinquished his rights,  emptying himself by degrees,  becoming human, allowing Himself to die, even to suffer the shameful   execution of a common criminal.   Jesus was not some well meaning but powerless kind soul who was overpowered  by the force of circumstances. He was fully aware of His identity as the Son of God. He chose to give up his privileged position for our sake. We are also called to emulate His character by voluntarily giving up our rights and privileges for the sake of the family of God.  It is when we understand our own standing with God and are secure in the love and worth He has bestowed on us that we are freed to let go of our pride, to let go of needing to have the last word and to let go of wanting to put the record straight when we feel we’ve been misunderstood. When we rest in God, we realize we don’t have to prove ourselves to Him. We don’t need to engage in sibling rivalry to compete for our Father’s attention and love.

We are exhorted time and time again in the New Testament, to do the hard job of working on our relationships within the family of believers.  Therefore we look long at God and are reminded of who He is. Out of the security of our relationship with Him, we work on loving fellow believers.   We consider others better than ourselves by treating them so. All the privileges that we feel that we are entitled to, we lavish on them. We treat them with honour, we lift them up. We do not denigrate nor dismiss.  We realize that In the different contexts that we are placed in, it should be eminently possible that there would be a variety of ways to achieve the same ends, not all of which will be thought of by me!  There might even be important priorities that I might overlook that others will point out! When I worked in student ministry in Sri Lanka and regularly led Bible studies for men & women in university, I always  looked with anticipation to the ‘truths’ that would come out that I had not intentionally prepared for. Often, there would be a facet/angle I hadn’t considered brought into the discussion and I loved ‘seeing’ such evidence that it was God’s work and not my own.

If we are articulate, we show respect to those that are slower  in speech by slowing down and giving them space to speak. If we are fluent in the language of currency, we  work on not talking down to those who find it difficult to express themselves well in that language.   In my days as a student leader in my college Christian fellowship, our normal modus operandi at committee meetings would be to switch between two or sometimes three languages depending on the comfort levels of those participating.  This meant that at certain points of the meeting  different folks only  got a summary in their language what the others discussed. Of course this worked because one or two among us spoke 3 languages!

Other practical ways of demonstrating a high view of others  might include older Christians from traditional societies  guarding against  being patronizing to younger Christians.  Younger Christians might need to value the insights of the faith journey of those whose footsteps they now walk in.  If we have been condescending  to  believers from other parts of the world, we work on changing our attitudes. Men might need to appreciate how women’s Christian experience  is as authentic as theirs.  Once when leading a workshop  on both the big picture and practical aspects of Decision making at a Christian conference, I remember  including as an example,  how one might set about menu planning for one’s family. The faces of several of the men registered  incomprehension , whereas  there was understanding  in the face of the one woman who was there!

When we practice treating  our brothers and sisters in Christ as better than ourselves in these kinds of real life situations that we are placed in, God works in transforming us.  We realize that people don’t have to do what we want after all, they just need to be doing what God wants.  At the very least, we would have moved to a place of considering  these “others” to be as good as ourselves.

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